Guilt and Distrust

My sister arranged for me and my parents to go to the cinema even though she knew that I have caught the 'Passion of Christ' with Zen. Since I did not want to watch that movie again and experience that traumatic experience again, I told her I intended to watch another film with my colleague. My sister was furious and insisted that watching the film with my parents was the only right thing to do. So she started yelling at me. At this point, I knew her aim was to make me feel guilty so that she could win and I would eventually go for the show. While I was angry, I did not express my anger. Later that morning, my friend informed me of the cinema which we were supposed to go to. I realised that my sister had mistaken it for another cinema. I called her to inform her of her mistake. If it were anyone else, they would probably remained quiet.

In relationships with our partners, do we use the same tactic and expect our partners to reciprocate our love as they seek our forgiveness? Do we inflict a sense of guilt in our partners so as to win their love? Frankly, I think women do this all the time, especially when they are not getting sufficient attention from their partners. They will accuse their men for not being attentive, considerate or faithful. Why do they do it? They do it because their men are not getting the message and they have officially entered Desperation. To ensure that their women will still bed them, men have learnt to pamper and accommodate. Sounds like a winning strategy, doesn't it? On the other hand, maybe your partner will accuse you of Distrust.

Incidentally, as I was having lunch with my girlfriends ( two single girls and a maried woman), I mentioned that Zen was heading to Langkawi for the week. Instantaneously, two questions were posed to me. Is he traveling for leisure? Is he traveling alone? When I explained that he was going to Langkawi for the week for a business meeting, I could see the sceptical looks on their faces. I remember, as a child, witnessing the same level of distrust from my mother when dad was away on business trips. It affirmed my belief that mutual trust was hard to earn and even harder to maintain in a relationship.

When we distrust our partners, we do not think they are capable of loving us the 'Right Way' which is 'Our Way'. We get furious and we start yelling at our partners for being inconsiderate or for being cold towards us. Perhaps distrust is the root of the problem when it comes to failed or failing relationships. When we distrust, we try to inflict a sense of guilt in the other party to get what we desire and when we desire. Therefore, one should never enter a relationship unless the couple shares mutual trust.

I also realised from such encounters that women may be tempted to use such tactics against their partners. The important thing therefore is to cultivate that trust and faith. We should not seek any actions to convince us that our partners truly love us. If they do, I am sure they will show it when the time is right for them to do so. Furthermore, it should done in the way they know best. Then, you know it comes from the heart. But they cannot achieve that if their partners were always in doubt or a state of distrust.

Couples should therefore seek to cultivate that level of mutual trust and avoid using tactics to inflict a sense of guilt in the other party. You should never inflict that sense of guilt in your partner unless you really mean it. Otherwise, you will regret it. For my sister, it could have cost her a film. For couples, it could be your marriage.