Love and the stock market

The stock market is a place driven by emotions. If you look at the charts, you will realise that there are peaks and troughs. All relationships have its ups and downs that good couples weather through. However, in the stock market, the experts have discovered ways to take calculated risks and some even try market timing. In a relationship, are there lessons we can learn from the stock market and therefore, minimise our risks of getting hurt ?

When I look back at my relationships with men I dated or had long term relationships with, I do believe there are some lessons in the stock market that can be relevant to male and female relationships. To elaborate on all the lessons will take an entire book!

Euphoria is a sentiment we commonly associate with in a Bull run in the stock market. Many investors find it hard to stay out of the market when the market has reached a significant peak or a higher high. Driven by greed, they often put themselves out in the open and expose themselves to the downside risks of the market. Good investors will often look at the charts and adopt various tools to calculate their market risk before putting themselves out there. In a relationship, do we look back at how our potential partners have handled their relationships and assess the risks of being hurt? Do we then rate them in terms of risk levels and therefore take the safer options. I believe in most cases, love is blind. Even if the charts or past history of your beloved tells you that he is not a good partner, one may still take the gamble and plunge into the relationship. I think this is not wise. Some people do not change their behavior and will continuously hurt their loved ones unintentionally. It is habitual and one cannot expect the other to change when it is their trait.

In the stock market, a good investor is disciplined. If the market tools and charts shown significant downside risks and little upside, they stay out. If they do choose to get into the market at the later stage of a bull run, they practise their stop losses. In a relationship, do we know where to place our stop loss and more importantly, are we disciplined enough to execute it? After my first failed relationship, which was the most enightening of my relationships, I have learnt to handle my emotions better. I look for security in relationships with dependable individuals and when I get too euphoric about the entire relationship, I often spend more time reflecting on it. Assess my next move and level of comfort.

Once I assess that the other does not have the prerequisites for a good lasting relationship, that is my stop loss, I get out. Once I get out, like any investor, I get over it. I will never look back. I probably will 'invest' in the relationship if market conditions have changed and potential returns can be reaped. The best kind of chart to resemble a good relationship is one that continuously goes up despite the little 'noise' or problems in a relationship. One, that steadily improves your wealth or in a relationship, one that steadily increases your happiness and confidence in that relationship. I do not think investing in securities with big cycles is for the faint hearted. In a relationship, one should avoid such relationships unless you can be very casual about it. Hopeless romantics should never expose themselves to such risks. Slow and steady is the way to go. If you like excitement and are willing to take the risks, make sure you have a stop loss and follow through. Poor investors keep adjusting them lower! What is the point of having one in the first place you ask? In a relationship, do we do the same and never get out just because you think it could have been worse and therefore, whatever is happening to both of you is not that bad? Mistake!

Some experts enjoy value investing, others enjoy momentum investing. While I do practice both, I know value investing in relationships is the way to go. In fact, it is the only way to go. But it is not that exciting. No one should ever practice momentum investing in relationships. The goodness of that relationship never lasts and don't think it is good just because it was good at one point in time. The biggest mistake one can make is to think that that goodness is going to go in only one direction, up! They are totally not prepared for the pitfalls. If you enjoy the roller coaster ride of relationships because you enjoy the significant highs, then make sure you have a really significant stop loss so that you will hardly hit it. Otherwise you will be going in and out of relationships, what a waste of energy. That is exactly what happened to my friend, Tim. He went into such a relationship, and at last, he hit his stop loss and he got out of it. Frankly he should have raised his stop loss as it would have saved him the heartaches!

How about me? Am I practising what I write here. Yep. I think I have grown up and am tougher than I used to be. So guys who aren't worth my time, won't see me after two months. That is where I placed my STOP LOSS.

Love, is it agony or ecstacy?

When I am in love, I love to share. That is communicate with my beloved one. I love to share my thoughts, have good conversations about our interests and beliefs in life. Why do I enjoy that? Becauses it increases my understanding of his needs and personality. But you know what? Talking, just talking, is just not what men enjoy!

It has been days since I last talked to Zen. I do miss him but why didn't I call him? Well for one, when a guy calls, he is interested. When a woman calls, she is desperate! Meanwhile, sometimes I feel more agony that ecstatic about our encounter. In a relationship, when do you know it is not right? When partners stop talking to each other or when one of partners is relunctant to converse often? If men were not naturally built to be good conversationalists, does it mean that relationships with women will always face problems and things can never work out until they love to converse openly and regularly?

When I mentioned my encounter to my girlfriends, instantaneously they will ask, "how often do you meet? How often do you guys talk?" Now it seems to me that males and females do not have the same value attached to good conversations. When guys talk, they are bonding. When women talk, they are gossiping! Some men may say that they love women who can communicate. Hence, the women think that talking is an attractive trait and they talk and look for opportunities to talk, just talk! Later they find themselves accused of being too 'chatty'! How, then, do you strike a balance?

When I reflect on my past relationships, I wondered. There were occassions when I was in a relationship but I didn't like a guy calling me every day just to talk. On the other hand, there were guys whom I was just looking forward to the times when I could talk to them and you bet every day. In the former, I was not crazy about them or probably not in love with them. In the latter, I was head over heels over them. Maybe that is a good sign for telling one whether he is interested in you or not and whether you feel the same way. Therefore, when two parties are always eager to be together and talk to each other, that is when you know it is mutual.

Maybe I have found my answer. When two parties are truly open with each other and place great emphasis on regular communication, that is when you know it is right. Otherwise, be brave, you know it is all wrong and you have to move on.

In matters of Love, when do you know it is right?

I often look for the fireworks as a sign that this is the guy for me. However, the guys who gave me the fireworks never gave me any security in the relationship and they never lasted. Guys who were less exciting were head over heels over me and when I knew that they have chosen me to be 'The One', I avoided them. In a relationship is there a trade off between excitement and comfort? Should we just skip the fireworks and feel comfortable in a 'right' relationship? If you felt the fireworks, is that a sign of trouble and you should only go in one direction; out?

I once met Dell, a man you would hardly consider to have fantastic looks and who gave me no fireworks when I first met him. But his persistence and intellect, not to mention witty humor, made me want to know him better. As time went by, I got to accept him for who he was but I never experienced any fireworks. I felt security just because I had more control in that relationship. Now that relationship did not work out for me because he knew I was looking for something else.

Later, I met Zen. Charming, sensitive, intellectual and witty. I felt the positive energy whenever I was around him. But can this be right or have I learnt from my past that this is not a good sign. I asked Valerie, my girlfriend, who advised me to just enjoy the ride and be prepared to be disappointed. She said that women's needs in love do evolve with age. What she sought in a man when she was in her twenties is different from the present. Men, too experience the same in a relationship. Maybe, like their women counterpart, they too were searching for those fireworks and that is why relationships built on that never lasted. In this respect, maybe women and men are not that different as John Gray said. In addition, if men matured slower, so generally older men would suit women better?

At this point, it occured to me that maybe the reason why I have not found the 'right' one is because I have not reached the point in my life when I could marry my expectations and reality. In reality, maybe there is no firework in relationships, which Valerie soon realised? Maybe all those fireworks were a notion which only existed along the hallmark aisle or a shakespeare play?

If you were in a relationship, would you be expecting fireworks still? Is that uncalled for? Everyone has expectations about how they would want to run their love life and how they want play their roles. Maybe successful couples are ones who realised that the fireworks were not as important as keeping the love alive and the relationship together.

So my time may come when I finally meet the man who expected no fireworks in our relationship and I was not expecting the same. Maybe that is when I will know it is right for me because then, we are in a relationship because we just wanted to be together and make each other a better person with the coming of two lonely souls.

Soulmates

A soulmate is someone who is supposedly the one for you and all you have to do is find him. Do soulmates really exist? Is there only one or are there plenty so if one fails, you just move on to another? As you move from age box to age box, natural filtration just shrinks the target market.

I thought Ian was my soulmate, so when our relationship did not work out, I thought it was over for me. My soulmate had just slipped away. But I have always noticed that whenever I was in love with someone, the relationship ends. It is almost like the whole idea of a soulmate was to set me up to fail; a torture device. Out of four million people living in Singapore, sometimes you feel lonely. Should one then settle to be with someone who loves you more than you love them? Maybe if I do, I won't be alone. Fall in love and he will disappear.

Just when I was on the brink of giving up on finding true love, my past haunted me. Suddenly someone inspiring shows up at your path again. There he was, charming, attentive, intelligent and humorous, ZEN. Zen makes my heart flutter and the conversations we have are always so memorable and delightful. Although I have forgiven Ian, I did not forget the experience. With Zen, the feelings just came back to me. Sometimes I am afraid to love again as I fear that it would all end shortly after that. I took five years to forget about Ian in my life, I do not think I am up to another five years if this one failed.

Now all I can do is think about Zen, Zen! He is so attentive, it is almost like he reads me like a book. His devoted attention is way too attractive. There is nothing wrong with him at all, there was no reason for me to forget and stay unaffected. Now I just day dream about him and all i want to do is be around him more often. Now at this point, I know I am going to lose my focus of things again. But hey, like they always say, live the present and as the present is a gift. Well, I look forward to seeing Zen again... this time I hope it will last longer.

Toxic Bachelors and Exclusivity

Do you notice that there seems to be more unmarried women than unmarried men. Women who are successful in what they do and are single are hardly given a second look. Every guy just aims for that model or air stewardess. Why? Because they look beautiful. Hence, you are penalised for being not beautiful whereas your life would have been much easier if you were officially claimed to be beautiful.

Men in their mid 30s and later 40s who remained single are what the society of women call toxic bachelors. Why toxic? Because they are totally non-commital. They just hop from one relationship to another. But they are still desirable! Every woman wishes to discuss exclusivity at one point of their relationship, but not the men. Try discussing that topic and you will never see him again. Do some men then actually bring up the subject of exclusivity. Of course some do, then comes the question what makes them do that? I have never brought up the subject with any of the guys I know. Maybe that is why I managed to keep the friendship going.

Many couples ideally talk about marriage and exclusivity, which gives the impression that we can all fulfill our needs in one person. Maybe that is not the case. Some find their needs fulfilled in more than one individual. Maybe we can fulfill our more important needs through our soulmate. Notice that I mentioned soulmate and not soulmates, which tells you that society again tells you there is only one out there if he or she is still around! What if that soulmate never crosses your path, what are you going to do? Is it then better to find all our needs in several individuals than being left on the shelf?

My love life or lack of one has not been that exciting at all. Then again, I would have hated going through a divorce with the wrong one. But if I had to choose, I would still love to fulfill my emotional needs with just one person, my soulmate. Meanwhile I just fulfill my needs through the friends I have.