Exclusivity

You have gone for your first date and after a few more dates, both of you start to wonder if you are right for each other. Is your date your potential soulmate? I believe we go on dates because we are looking for our soulmate. How do you know if he or she is your soulmate and it is not just lust at first sight?

We associate lust with physical chemistry. There is nothing deeper in the relationship than pure physical attraction. The kind of relationship that commonly exists amongst men in their twenties and thirties. They are into girls who are into BeBe fashion and britney spear looks. Perhaps girls like these are naive and are often not looking for commitment. Isn't that what men want? At least that is what they think!

There is a flaw in that thought. Once he has physically explored her, which is not tough to do in a relatively short time, will he still be interested? The answer is no. Think of a driver who drives past the chequered flag, switches off the engine and pops his champagne. He is done. He moves on to the next race. When Zen mentioned that he changes the furniture in his apartment because he gets bored with them after sometime, I figured that physcial chemistry alone cannot maintain a relationship. Therefore, a man needs something more than physical chemistry to keep his interest up. He needs to connect on other levels such as emotional and mental chemistry. That differentiates a soulmate from a playmate.

When a man encounters his soulmate, not only will he be physically attracted to her, but he will want to know about what she thinks (her beliefs and principles), how she feels about life and how she deals with life's problems. He needs to know more about her so that he can determine if she is his soulmate and that he can make her happy. She too will have to determine if he needs her in his life, if she has come to terms with the fact that he is not perfect but is perfect for her and if she can be happy just by being with him. This is important. Think about it, will she still think highly of him when he is granted unexercised stock options and the market heads south and vice versa? If the answer is yes, then you know you have found your soulmate.

To discover his soulmate, a man therefore needs to go through the stage of exclusivity in order to get to know her. He needs time to get to know her inner self and cannot possibly do so while moving from one girl to another. With Exclusivity, both parties can focus and spend the time to know each other physically, emotionally and mentally. They will get to know each other's dislikes and likes, share their problems and work together towards a certain goal. Eventually, men will realise that a trophy wife is not what they want in life, but a friend for life who genuinely understands and loves them for whom they are. Last but not least, he knows he can make her happy for the rest of his life.

Anchors

With the increase in divorce, I sometimes wonder if marriage is really what people want. In Singapore, marriage is a prerequisite for the ownership of a Housing Development Board (HDB) flat. As a result, many young couples get married in their mid 20s. My American friends often find this startling. They, like me ,are still single in their 30s and 40s. Some may fear dying old alone and so they decided that marriage is better than singlehood. Some just wanted to get married to prove that they are wanted. Seems to me that many would have gotten the concept of marriage wrong and the rising divorce rate is of no surprise to me. We go through various stages from owning our own home, getting married to having babies. Do we really need all these or are we just doing what society tells us to do?

What is my concept of marriage? My concept of marriage is the union of two souls who find the meaning of life in each other. I do not think any one is truly happy until they find their purpose and meaning in life. The meaning of my life is LOVE. That's what I live for and stand for; pure and unconditional. For this reason, to ensure that my marriage works, I have to find someone who shares the same notion about the meaning of life. Marriage, to me, is necessary only if I need him to help me understand and live my life the way it should be. If Love were the meaning of our lives, then being together would be a natural consequence.

All I want to be is to be happy. I recall the times I was with Zen, I was always so happy! I do not know the reason why, I know I just do. Maybe the reason why I managed to feel that way is because I managed to anchor the way he makes me feel to his presence. If one can find someone and anchor good feelings unto that individual, we will tend to be happy whenver we are with that person. It is that simple. Married couples should always try to do that; it will keep them together.

However, there is a fear. To do that, it means that you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable. If that person leaves you, you may find a harder time seeking that happiness again, especially when you have gotten used to him. But I am not afraid. I believe by letting go, I will learn to be free and in this freedom, I find peace.

Now you know why I named him , Zen.

When he is away

With regionalisation, couples see less of each other. I often wonder, how do they maintain their relationships? I figured that constant reassurance was required to maintain the relationship so that parties still know that they are important in each other's lives. That is why it is important to be with someone who is caring and understanding so that he will constantly maintain that relationship. This prevents wives and girlfriends from believing that their boyfriends or husbands are still in a lecherous mood for other female species. This Fear stems from the fear of not being good enough or not being loved enough. It is normal and common.

When someone I love is away, I would definitely love to be surprised by him. Often a call or email will do the trick. It is that delightful feeling of knowing that you are still in his heart and mind. It simply lifts up my spirits. While I love spending time with someone I love, I know that there is a tradeoff. On the one hand, you would like to see him excel in his job (that means he will have to spend lots of time in that area) and on the other hand, you need that constant reassurance; that constant touch of his love. One therefore has to exercise patience and tolerance. When he does not constantly reassure you, when he is away, that is the time you should officially enter panic.

I was working the entire day and have been extremely exhausted for the past few days. I did not get enough sleep and have wrecked my brains over tax laws. I sometimes asked myself, why don't they get it? Do our partners actually get the message and know that we need the constant reassurance of their love? While I can advise taxpayers, how can we make our partners understand our need? There is one good thing about the catholic church. Every year couples have to renew their marriage vows. That reminds them of the vows they once made when they stepped down the aisle. People do need constant reminders that they are being loved by another. We should always be generous with that. If couples have done that, maybe divorce rates would not have sky-rocketed.

So if women do get anxious, what can they do to ease that anxiety. Once I told Zen I could not sleep, he suggested that I try reading a book from my library. Yep, why not? I could possibly be 5 page wiser when I sleep. At the same time, I won't feel any loss. It is a great form of escapism and it is perfectly healthy.

Regrets forever

Joe was my classmate in the university. He was a big, strong, tall and jovial man. He was always smiling whenever me and the guys were together. I don't think he ever knew the meaning of sadness. I still remember the times we spent together and how we completed the projects together. I was always the leader of the group and he was a great partner in the group. He would always carry out his role cheerfully and so was one of the best people I have ever worked with. I was always happier when he was around. After we graduated, I could still remember his smiling face. I knew he was glad that we both made it. It was a tough four year course. I guess one of the reasons why I did well in school was because of his friendship and partnership. But I was so focused on building my career after school that I just didn't want to get myself involved in any relationship, even though I had feelings for him.

After the graduation ceremony, I never saw him. I started specialising in real estate and law and he decided to specialise in property management. One day I received a call from his best friend, C.H.. I admit being poor in maintaining relationships. It is partly due to my work and my constant weariness from the job. Ok, so it is a poor excuse. C.H. didn't sound right on the phone. He too was always jovial in class and was always so excited whenever he talked to me. Then came the bad news. Joe died. My heart sank.

He died in an accident during his training. But he was so young and he was a good man. How could his time be up? There was so much more he could have done. Get married, have kids and as a devout catholic, there was so much he could have done for others like what he had done for me. Tears fell and my heart hurt. When I went for the wake, as I looked at his picture, I thought. I never told him I had loved him and the kind of impact he had on me. I never gave him that hug! I was always sad and stressed, he was a good friend who always showed me the positive side of life. He was so generous with his smiles. How could God take his life away at age 25?

I made the errorneous assumption that there will always be another day for me to say how much I appreciated and loved him. I thought there will always be time for me to do that. Yet I am complaining that I don't have enough time to do my work. Where were my priorities?

Maybe pain is the only way to happiness. From that day, I learnt that I should never let a day go by without saying and showing how much my relationship and partner mean to me. That is the road to happiness in a functional relationship. Never take a moment for granted. We should express how grateful we are for our good fortune, however meek or humble it may be. Appreciation and gratefulness have magic in them. It seems the more we express them, the more reasons we are given to say thank you.

Joe, I never quite said this to you when you were around, Thank you.

Guilt and Distrust

My sister arranged for me and my parents to go to the cinema even though she knew that I have caught the 'Passion of Christ' with Zen. Since I did not want to watch that movie again and experience that traumatic experience again, I told her I intended to watch another film with my colleague. My sister was furious and insisted that watching the film with my parents was the only right thing to do. So she started yelling at me. At this point, I knew her aim was to make me feel guilty so that she could win and I would eventually go for the show. While I was angry, I did not express my anger. Later that morning, my friend informed me of the cinema which we were supposed to go to. I realised that my sister had mistaken it for another cinema. I called her to inform her of her mistake. If it were anyone else, they would probably remained quiet.

In relationships with our partners, do we use the same tactic and expect our partners to reciprocate our love as they seek our forgiveness? Do we inflict a sense of guilt in our partners so as to win their love? Frankly, I think women do this all the time, especially when they are not getting sufficient attention from their partners. They will accuse their men for not being attentive, considerate or faithful. Why do they do it? They do it because their men are not getting the message and they have officially entered Desperation. To ensure that their women will still bed them, men have learnt to pamper and accommodate. Sounds like a winning strategy, doesn't it? On the other hand, maybe your partner will accuse you of Distrust.

Incidentally, as I was having lunch with my girlfriends ( two single girls and a maried woman), I mentioned that Zen was heading to Langkawi for the week. Instantaneously, two questions were posed to me. Is he traveling for leisure? Is he traveling alone? When I explained that he was going to Langkawi for the week for a business meeting, I could see the sceptical looks on their faces. I remember, as a child, witnessing the same level of distrust from my mother when dad was away on business trips. It affirmed my belief that mutual trust was hard to earn and even harder to maintain in a relationship.

When we distrust our partners, we do not think they are capable of loving us the 'Right Way' which is 'Our Way'. We get furious and we start yelling at our partners for being inconsiderate or for being cold towards us. Perhaps distrust is the root of the problem when it comes to failed or failing relationships. When we distrust, we try to inflict a sense of guilt in the other party to get what we desire and when we desire. Therefore, one should never enter a relationship unless the couple shares mutual trust.

I also realised from such encounters that women may be tempted to use such tactics against their partners. The important thing therefore is to cultivate that trust and faith. We should not seek any actions to convince us that our partners truly love us. If they do, I am sure they will show it when the time is right for them to do so. Furthermore, it should done in the way they know best. Then, you know it comes from the heart. But they cannot achieve that if their partners were always in doubt or a state of distrust.

Couples should therefore seek to cultivate that level of mutual trust and avoid using tactics to inflict a sense of guilt in the other party. You should never inflict that sense of guilt in your partner unless you really mean it. Otherwise, you will regret it. For my sister, it could have cost her a film. For couples, it could be your marriage.

Competitive vs Comparative study

I was extremely exhausted after work. I, therefore, went SHOPPING! Yep, there is nothing more exciting to do in Singapore for any single girl. They should not have named it Singapore but SingleBored!

I decided to spoil myself again with new clothings as I got bored with my previous colletion of clothings. As I was browsing through a set of blouses, my mind was scrutinising every single design. Bad, worse, loser! I wonder, do I do the same to men I meet? Is that the reason why I am still single? Could I have missed the good men, probably even my soulmate? Sounds dangerous and scary.

When I asked Zen about what he thought of me, he mentioned nothing but good qualities of mine. Now that is better than good news..:). But when I prompted him to mention some negative qualities of mine, he said I should not stick to my two month probation period strictly and should give myself more time so that I don't miss the boat. I pondered over what he said. Have I gotten off the boat too early as a result of my competitive 'studies' of these men?

Maybe the result of my singlehood is because I cannot stop comparing the men I meet with the ones I met. We always remember our first love. I don't think it is possible to forget the experience. What we consciously or unconsciously do is we start comparing our current dates with our first love. So our dates are actually in competition with our first love and it is all in our mind! If our current date were not as fulfilling or impressionable as our first love, we start our search again. By the time we awake and stop comparing, we might have missed our match. Since our first love is never coming back, why are we looking for that individual in another since no two individuals are alike? Does this, therefore, mean that the sooner you get over your first love and stop comparing, the sooner you will land yourself a mate?

When I reflect on my latest encounter with Zen, I must admit I did some comparison. But this time, it was not worse. It was actually better. I realised that my first relationship was not healthy. There were many problems in the relationship but I have always learnt to adapt and compromise. Hence, I was on the verge of losing my personality as I seemed to be moulded to be just like my first love. Why did I feel better then if a comparison should never be done?

I then realised that I was not truly comparing the individuals this time, I was comparing the state of the relationship. It is not a competitive study of the individuals but a comparative study of my current relationship with my first relationship. I have learnt how to avoid a bad relationship and the prerequisites of a good one. This time, I was not comparing whom I am meeting with my first love. I was able to focus on how I felt in the relationship and not compare who he is with whom I dated. Doesn't it sound logical? Why didn't i do that earlier?

I guess it took me five painful years to come to the conclusion that I was never going to find someone like my first love or almost like him. Now I know I have finally gotten over my first love and am able to look at relationships objectively; give the person I meet a fair chance instead of comparing him with my imaginary mate.

Well, like they say, better late than never. Maybe what we need is that catalyst to spur up the reaction and in my case, it took Zen to do that. So there you have it, there is definitely hope for me..LOL.

Public Display of Affection (PDA)

When we were little boys and girls, do you remember how we disliked the opposite sex? Kissing and hugging in public was almost inconceivble. I don't even remember my dad telling my mum he loves her or kissing her in front of us. They probably did not do it because the kids would close their eyes till it is over! But as we grew up, we realised how important the feeling of touch is. It communicates love in a way which words alone cannot express. Now my dad holds my mum's hands as they walk.

So now when my mum walks with me and puts her arm around mine, I actually like the feeling. It is a physical reminder of love when we don't say the "I love yous" in public. Although the truth is my mum likes to rub against my smooth skin..LOL. Personally, I enjoy holding of hands, kisses and hugs in public. That physical act transmits unspoken love from one being to another. Behind closed doors, it would have to be cuddles! Sometimes I will feel a chill down my spine, the feeling is awesome. That is the sensation we live to experience.

We probably notice most couples showing PDA when they are dating and it is neglected after marriage. This should not be the case. I believe that affirmation should always be there for the next 60 years of your life. As humans, I do believe constant affirmation is required to keep that fire burning. I hope I am not just a hopeless romantic! One should be generous and really consistent. The same behavior is required for success in anything you seek to achieve. If you keep sending positive signals to your brain, you will achieve it. So why should love be any different?

Do I then support PDA? Of course! As long as it does not embarrass others. Speaking of embarrassing PDA, I will definitely not forget one incident my sister and I witnessed. I was shopping with my sister. As we stood on the escalator, there was a couple in front of us. The guy was like an octopus. I wish there was an electric gadget on his girlfriend's body to stop the act. He reached underneath his girlfriend's blouse and his hand was touching every inch of her body, front and back! If I had to rate PDAs, this would score the least! The next day as I was walking home, I witnessed another couple walking in front of me, they were holding hands. Suddenly their eyes locked and they kissed gently. Now that was an envious sight.

PDA can be an addiction because it is pleasurable. Teenagers will probably think PDA is fine as long as it feels right, right? Can we use feelings as a yardstick to determine the level of PDA we can engage in? Ever wondered what happens when you think drugs taste great and you get addicted to them? Once you engage in it, there is no turning back. It can lead to Sex when it gets too pleasurable and the consequences are too complicated for teenagers to handle. Guys should understand that PDA is an act to show affirmation of love between couples and not a conquering act to show other male species that you have finally conquered the female species. The only time males successfully conquer the female species is when they can relate to them without fear and there should be respect. If we are not careful in our act of PDA, the feeling is wrongly communicated and it can hurt the female species.

Having said all these, I hope PDA never ends. It affirms my belief that love continues to exist.

80 / 20 rule

I just had the most wonderful dinner with Zen. Once again, I am happy and at peace with myself. He never fails to make me feel special whenever I am with him. It must be one of God's blessings. In this competitive society, I realised that many of us love keeping score. But do we keep score of our blessings?

Have you ever noticed how we get blinded by the obstacles and conveniently forget all about the wonderous things in life? When you have achieved 80% , do you still feel pessimistic and miserable whenever you have problems achieving the other 20%? Doesn't 100% -20% -80%= zero?

I started to wonder. I have a great loving family, a good job, a body with all my limbs and organs intact and wonderful friends who would do anything to see me through the good and bad times, no worries about what to wear or when is my next meal, what more could any one ask for? Yet, my lack of success in the love department makes me desolate at times. I would forget about what I should be happy about and focus on the problems I faced. If I keep doing that, how can I ever be happy? How can I ever feel 100%?

In relationships, I believe the 80/20 rule applies. You will never find that perfect partner. After you have dated and when you decide to get married, you know you have to compromise. No two individuals are 100% complementary or alike. Hence, adjustments are required when you live together. Maybe you like neutral colors on your walls but she likes it RED! So you painted it red. Since every individual is unique, that means couples will have to learn to focus on the 80% and tolerate the problematic 20% which sometimes cannot be mitigated. Otherwise, they will never be happy and are fault finding.

In life, moderation is the key and learn to diversify. By diversification, I mean cutting up your pie into different sectors. Each sector is a separate goal or need. If giving up the other 20% in one sector does not make us a lesser person, why should one be so concerned? If you have 80% in your pocket, you have one deep pocket! To stay happy, one has to learn to control one's perception of success in life. You must realise that you can never achieve 100% in one thing you do or the entire Pie, but 20% in all you do may just add up to 100% in life (besides it is more manageable). I call it marriage value. A good example is work. We know how much emphasis we place on work. But at the last hour, will you really wish you had more time to do more work? However, if you have balanced your love life with work, you can still look up to him or her and smile and know that that is one thing you will miss. You probably won't regret about what you have not achieved but you will smile and say to yourself , " it is accomplished".

So learn to take control of your life; focus on what is good and start dividing your pie (life). Achieve your goals till diseconomies of scale sets in one sector then start moving on to the next sector where there is still excess capacity. If you don't learn to prioritise (that spells the need to diversify) and take control of your life, time will pass you by as time waits for no man.

Tonight, I just added another score, the dinner with Zen, to my blessings list. By focusing on the 80%, I will sleep like a baby. Before I end, I think the song in my background speaks perfectly of the need to control one's life.

Life is for Rent

If my life is for rent, and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cause nothing I have is truly mine.



Learn to focus on the 80% , otherwise you end up with 'zero' if you focus on the negative 20%. That is the 80/20 rule to happiness.






Dedicated to Zen