Cats

Cats, proud little creatures that are extremely smart and independent. Most people think that cats are spoilt, arrogant and they think they are IT! They do so because the world validates their disillusions about life. They get food on their plates, sand in their litter bin and get to take cat naps in the afternoon!

Cats may appear selfish but they are really considerate little creatures and are devoted to their owners. They leave you alone when you do not wish to be disturbed, they will do their daily business in their litter bins and keep their coat clean. They protect their owners by watching over them when they are not watching. Puffy my cat will wake me up whenever I fainted. He would use his head and paws to move my head. Isn't that amazing? How I wish men could be like them. So devoted and loving. If there are, maybe a Leo man?

I, once had a cat called Blossom. My parents and I adopted the cat because an Australian Lady had to leave Singapore. I was a child who had problems with school. I was never keen on school work but I loved basketball and the television set. My parents could never make me perform well in school by making me spend enough time studying. That was till my parents adopted Blossom.

Blossom somehow knew that I had problems with my studies and dad was not happy about that. One day, Blossom came to my study room. He sat on my table, right infront of my book as I was trying to study. My cousin laughed when she saw that and thought it was ridiculous. I was happy because I could touch his fur and I felt relaxed. I started to read and pretended that Blossom could understand each word I said. Blossom never moved and simply laid there on the table. He never stepped onto my book. I continued to recite to Blossom and each time we gazed at each other as if we were really communicating with each other. Maybe we were?

This went on for a few days. At last, I had to sit for a test. Blossom continued to join me whenever I was in the study room. He would come back from his bird hunting trip and dinner before joining me after dinner. He sat there and we resumed our learning journey. Blossom would look at me with different looks on his face. Sometimes he appears very much awake. That means he is clear and that I understood what I read. But at other times his eyes would tell me that he was confused! Whenever he was clear, I would move on. Whenever he looked confused, I would repeat!

The constant revision with Blossom led to my instant improvement in my studies and I found my way to topping the class. My memory was superb and now it is photographic. Sadly Blossom was catnapped and I never saw him again. But I know he lives because I will always remember him as my greatest friend.

I love you Blossom.

dedicted to Blossom my cat.

The taxi driver

This is my second entry for today. I felt the urge to write this because of the menthol sweet from Mr Taxi Driver.

After meeting Paul for a research on my entry on the Boiling Point, I headed home. I tried umpteen times to call for a cab but in vain. It was so frustrating and I wished Zen were around me at that time.

Finally a cab managed to pick up my call. Within 5 mins, it arrived. Mr Taxi driver was probably in his late 40s. He was bespectacled , had short black hair and was of average build. I was coughing incessantly for ten minutes as soon as I entired the cab. He then asked me how long have I been coughing and I sadly told him two weeks. It begun since my birthday and was starting to hurt my body.

He then showed me a particular menthol sweet and asked me to try it. I know the Golden rule is not to take any sweets from a stranger. But at that point, I just could not take it anymore and was desperate for something to stop me from coughing. Mr Taxi Driver then started to talk to me. He said he hardly speaks to any of his passengers but when he saw my name, it made him feel comfortable enough to speak to me.

Meanwhile, as he spoke, I was sucking my sweet and breathing heavily. I could feel the warm vapor entering the wind channels in my body. I felt relieved and stop coughing momentarily. Mr Taxi Driver then told me that his wife has the same name, Carol. I could see his smile through the rear mirror, as he confided in me. Her birthday is on the 16th April and their wedding anniversary is on the 17th April. He told me that he planned to surprise her with a trip by cruise on her birthday and their wedding anniversary.

Instantly, my heart consticted. I was touched. How I wished I had someone who loved me that much even at this age? I was not even sure if Men knew what love was. As I looked at Mr Taxi, my hopes lifted and I smiled. If this Carol were that fortunate to have found the meaning of life with the love of her husband, maybe I will too someday, just like her. Maybe my time has not come but if I stopped believing and hoping in Love, I would have lost my meaning of life.

The next day, I messaged Zen and told him how I felt. At least, I tried and if Love finds its way to my heart, I only have to embrace it. I still have a whole pack of the sweets Mr Taxi Driver gave. As I sleep tonight, I shall continue sucking my sweet to relieve my cough. Thank you Mr Taxi Driver for making me feel better with your sweets and your life story.

Good night Zen, may peace and love be with you.

What women do

Enough about men! How about what women want, feel and do when they accompany their dates?

Singapore women, an unusal breed. Smart, beautiful, confident and sentimental. They always wake up looking their best. When they attend social functions, they spend hours just dolling themselves and spend heaps just to look 'right'. Like my sister, they probably go through their room, which is no different from a boutique, just trying to look 'right' or 'overdone'.

There is hair styling to be done, make over for the night, selection of the perfect shoes, perfect accessories and that perfect dress! Each lady can easily spend between $200 to $300 just trying to outdo each other for the night. Some go to the extent of purchasing a $300 to $500 dress. Just the dress! I recall Zen's remark at some Club 21 designs which were supposedly very popular with Singapore girls and women, "who would wear such a thing. It looks awful." He was referring to a dress which I would now describe as several loin cloths being plastered together? LOL

I wasn't quite sure if women were competing for mens' attention or retaining their mens' attention. When you are on a date or accompanying your date, it has to be the latter. But isn't the dress suppose to work and not the price tag. Have Singapore women lost their sense of value and are out to outdo each other in terms of labels and price numberings. You might as well just wear a long dress with DKNY, Armani or Chritian Dior written all over you and why not display the price tag ? I don't think one needs advertising boards any more. Just get the Singaporean women to wear them and wah lah!

I remember entering a new shop and the salesgirl said, "This piece will look great on you." I decided to put it on. My sister thought it looked really nice on me, so I bought it for $60. An hour glass cutting, low front and black soft dress made of cotton and spandex. Very nice! Although I didn't need it then, I thought it was a good deal at the price it was to be sold. Hence, I bought it.

Last December, I was asked to accompany my friend who needed someone to attend the function with him. He asked me to come along and it was a black and white party. I knew the ladies at the function will be dressed with diamonds and designer labeled dresses. But I have none. Since I promised my friend I would go with him because he really wanted to make an impression, I knew I could not back out of it now.

That night, I showered, put on my new black dress and simple make up. As I was just drying my hair, a thought hit me? Do women practise a caste system amongst themselves? Will what I wear make a difference and they won't talk to me? When my friend saw me, I asked him if I looked ok. Was I underdressed for the occassion. He shook his head and said, " you look very beautiful and you do not have anything to worry about." I didn't show it, but my friend knew I was still disturbed. Nevertheless, I decided that I will just try to pull this off with Me. What I really am and be the best partner for the night.

When I entered the hall, all the eyes were set on me. I felt uneasy because I am not used to being looked at. There they were, the power ladies. Like I imagined. Designs for the early 40s to mid 40s, heavy jewellery, designer bags and shoes. I wondered where is the recession? I would think I was plain with a $60 dress and artificial diamond necklace and earrings. Nevertheless, I smiled and walked confidently across the hall with my friend. He introduced me to his male and female colleagues and had to leave me with them.

I introduced myself and they asked me about what I do for a living and my interests. Throughout the night, It was me , my black dress and my smile. I knew my eyes and my smile were my greatest assets and it made people around me feel comfortable. There you have it, I mingled. They loved my spontaneity and talent. I displayed my talent in song and also my witty character. They loved me; thought I was fun and classy. Then there were games to play. That night, I went upstage and just had fun. My partner was going to be the General Manager of the firm. He was tall, handsome and probably in mid 40s. Throughout the night , he spent his time just talking to me and thought I was the best looking girl in the hall. I thought to myself, " Now I did it with $60!"

When the night ended, one of the managers came up to me and said, " I am so glad you came. You made our General Manager really happy. He is very glad to have known you and he truly enjoyed himself in your company." I replied, " It is my pleasure and you should thank my friend for inviting me."

On the way home, I asked my friend if I did well. He said, " You were truly wonderful and see you don't have to worry about a $60 dress. Just be yourself and you'll shine."

The boiling point

I met Paul. He's girlfriend just left him when her ex-boyfriend reappeared in her life. His ex-girlfriend is Diana. He spent the entire night confiding in me about how he felt and I could see the pain in his heart. As Paul and I are good friends, I thought he would be the best person to answer my next topic. Where is the boiling point? What makes guys believe that she is the 'one'?

I asked Paul why most men would regard me as a friend (not anything more) and why did he choose Diana over me? I am not in love with Paul at all but I just needed to know what makes men click? Paul then explained that he liked Diana since the first night they met and loved Diana after three weeks of meeting her because she shared the same interests and he felt very comfortable around her. She had dated a british bloke for six years before he left her and obviously she knows how to entertain a Brit. Next, she always dressed the way Paul like ( the short skirt and Fuck Me Boots). Sex with her was great he said! Paul then explained that he would never have any feelings for me ( I sure am glad to hear that!) because he is too wild for me, he smokes , drinks too much and he does not like reading. He loves to play pool. I, on the other hand, am more of an introvert although I do socialise at times, am a very good company and I have my own opinions.

Now that is quite a mouthful for me, but it is very enlightening. His honesty shed a new light for me on male's needs in matters of love. Comfort and common interests, even subtle things like smoking, drinking and going to the pubs. I don't have problems with most men in this regard. But what bothered me was the short skirt, fuck me boots and SEX. In addition, when did love for reading and having opinions of her own become a turn off?

Paul believes one does not need to be in love to have sex, but one has to have sex in order to be in love. Now this is truly disturbing to me. Paul then explained further that there is nothing wrong with me or girls like me, we just make better friends. But hey, all good relationships ideally begin from good friendships and he felt that a good partner should always be your good friend. He believes that the sex stops after some time and eventually a man needs someone with an opinion and someone he can talk to intelligently. That takes time and men's needs change with time. Eventually, they settle for a partner who is their support and friend in life. Before that it is just him and his dick.

I continued to ask Paul if he really believed that men do grow up? Do men ever realise that the prerequisites to a sustainable relationship has nothing or little to do with Sex? Paul believes that men eventually do. Some take a longer time to realise than others. But generally, they do as they get wiser and that also often means older. If a lady is not intelligent and a good conversationalist, men are just in it for sex or control over the relationship. But eventually men get tired of it. Ask those ladies to jump and they ask how high! It is boring and useless being caught in a relationship of this sort.

I then confided in Paul about my encounter with Zen. I told Paul that I figured that I was bugging Zen. I would usually send a text message through my mobile to him and occassionally he will reply. I do love to talk to Zen and every time that happens, my spirit just lifts up. I remember the first time he spoke to me in the office, I could not be happier. I was smiling the whole time and I felt at ease. But sometimes, I wished Zen would show me a little more interest and since I don't think he feels for me, I therefore believed that I was bothering him. Paul advised me to be forthright and if I really thought that I was a nuisance to Zen ( even if i am not, I figured that he probably will come to that point), maybe I should tell him. That way he can explain himself if he never felt that way or was going to feel that way about me or at last, I know how he feels!

Just when I was getting more pessimistic, Paul then asked me to ask Zen out since we have not met up since our first date which was two weeks ago. When Paul left me for a while, I texted Zen. When I received his reply, I was delighted. Actually, being a new born pessimist, I was not expecting any reply! I then told Paul that although Zen told me he will have to see if he were going to be free to meet me on Saurday, I told him I am prepared for a 'I can't make it'. Paul then patted me on the shoulder and said "Maybe he won't, we will see."

I stopped Paul for lifting my hopes any further. I told him that it was easier for me to prepare for disappointment than suffer the pain of being an optimist. Deep down inside me, I know I still hold a ray of hope that this might work out well with someone whom I feel so happy about. Maybe Zen is the 'wise one' that Paul was referring to and I just need to give it a little more time for him to realise that I do have the qualities of an eternal friend and mate.

Right now Zen will always leave me with a memorable thought. I can't shake the thought of him. I thought that I should get on without him but why would I want to. I didn't want to say goodbye, but I wanted so much to see him again. Frankly, I don't think he realises how good he is and I strongly believe that he has learnt a great deal from his past relationships. Paul smiled and said, " You will never know, and let me know what happens." As I recalled the sermon at church which I heard over my lunch, "empty yourself and allow God to do his Will through you", I realised that maybe now I should just let go and His Will be done. Thanks Paul.

A Friend in Need

A true friend is hard to find. I was just browsing through a movie review of the Passion of Christ which is directed by one of my all time favourite actors, Mel Gibson. Mel is my model of a good husband and I do envy his wife for having such a wonderful, loving and loyal partner. I believe he is every woman's dream of a perfect spouse who is a friend in need and her tower of strength.

After reading the review, I knew I have to watch this movie. God is my father and this movie is what I visualise each time I pray or read the bible. However, I always end up in tears when I go through the rites of the Last Supper or the stations of the cross in church. When Valerie said that I am born under a lucky star, she may just be right. All this time, I do feel an unusal bond with God and he is my protector from harm. My entire life seems to be protected or well planned and all I have to do is just travel along that path. As long as I stick to his Will, I am going to be fine. When I follow my temptations, I am courting trouble.

I know I do not have the courage to watch this movie alone. I know I am going to come out of the cinema in tears and full of sad thoughts. A big contrast from the bubbly self. I didn't want to watch it with any of my girlfriends or sister. Hence, I called and asked Zen to accompany me. He agreed.

Why did I ask him when I was trying so hard to fade away in silence and not punish myself any further? I asked him because I regarded him as my tower of strength and if I was going to pluck up my courage to watch the movie, I definitely needed his company. The thought of him just flashed across my mind when I felt fear.

I know after the movie, my love and faith in God will be strengthened. Maybe Mel has directed a film that is constantly being played in my mind when I pray. I prayed about what was happening in my life. At last God showed me the way again. There was no need to escape from my fear and by asking Zen, I realised he is my friend when I needed him.

The Awful Truth

What happens when you do fall for someone and you know he does not feel the same? How do you face that awful truth and overcome the pain? The breakup with my first love was the most painful and it took me five years to recover from the pain. Even now, I am not sure if the wounds are entirely healed. I would hate to go through the same again, surely not another five years. But how can you avoid that?

A magazine once wrote that everyone gets two loves in their life. If that it true, then I think I am done. Is love a game where you should just pick yourself up after a pitfall and get back into the ball game? How can you speed up the recovery process? Some women go shopping. Others just get themselves drunk or go on a rebound.

I was tired of hanging out in the cold. But I know he won't miss the love I could have given and shared. Why should I punish myself for what he overlooked. Why do women always do that to themselves and let men ruin their lives when love does not work out? I seem to be haunted by his presence. I hate that certain things are occuring the way they do now and wish there was just a little alteration. Maybe it is because I never said it, but if he were really my soulmate, I guess words are not a prerequisite. They say changing a man is the last thing you should do, pull the wrong thread and you will never see him again. But I guess there is no harm is hoping and wishing. Here I find myself living in a world of disillusion.

Maybe there is no love at first sight but lust at first sight. How do you tell the difference if you really thought, for just a moment, that he might be your soulmate? The idealist in me continues to empower me with all the dreams and fantasies. I am finding myself emotionally drained. As I lay on my comfortable bed, I find peace with my big stuff toy. By big, I mean my toy 'Keropi' is half my height. I just wanted to sleep in the nook and he is always there. As the chilly wind enters my window, I just pull up my covers and snuggle under the sheets with my dearest 'Keropi' and imagine a gentle kiss being laid on my head.

Men and the 20 something girls

Women in their 30s are increasingly finding it difficult to find Men, who are dwindling in numbers, as we move from age box to age box. So where are all the men? The men are either dead, married, gay or chasing some 20 year old.

Women in their 30s are constantly in competition with girls in their 20s. Men are drawn to girls in their 20s so women in their 30s end up with 'old maid' or spinster'. Pity parties, the 'don't worry, you will find someone' looks, weddings and baby showers just drive us women in their 30s miserable. Now the Government is not helping either. To be eligible for the Special Tax Rebate (STR) for the second child, the mother must not exceed age 31! Ok , so I can give up any hope of getting any STR. Now that just diminishes my target market, doesn't it? The STR of SGD$20,000 goes to mothers below age 28! Men, being practical creatures, chase girls in their 20s. If these do not drive you nuts, what will?

Perhaps Women in their 30s are more knowledgeable and rational than girls in their 20s. They intimidate Men. Perhaps men feel inadequate. Therefore, they like girls in their 20s because they show more insecurity and are more unpredictable. Women between age 30 to 35 should always balance their optimism in love with pessimism. At this rate, I can imagine a bus load of single unmarried Spinsters traveling together and sharing the same accommodation. When the Government allows singles aged 35 and above to purchase flats, since Government policies are backed by statistics, you know that men do not find women above age 35 attractive. That is the critical point of spinsterhood and women 36 and above should only be pessimistic about love.

I asked Zen about my beliefs and he did not deny it! So what hope is there for me or for any woman in her 30s or worse, 36? Men look for freedom, relief and peace in a relationship. Are we women in our 30s a more stressful option compared to our 20 year old counterparts? Go figure. When Zen told me that he does not disagree that men do chase girls in their 20s rather than women in their 30s, that coming from him is almost as disturbing as the news itself. That would mean, if men were not chasing girls in their 20s, they have to be gay. Otherwise, he is wierd or very unspecial. So maybe now instead of looking for special guys, I should be asking friends to introduce me to 'unspecial guys'? Women in your 30s, have you ever thought of that? Next time, if you come across a special guy just give it a pass, and if an unspecial guy comes along, go for the date. You may succeed because the 20 year old girls are not interested. They are still hung up on special guys.

In conclusion, I think I am done with love. It ain't going to happen. Dido, if you ever get to see this, DIG this.

SONG: WHITEFLAG

I WILL GO DOWN WITH THIS SHIP
I WILL PUT MY HANDS UP AND SURRENDER
THERE WILL BE A WHITE FLAG HANGING ON MY DOOR
I'M NOT IN LOVE, AND ALWAYS WON'T BE!

copyright: Written by the Pessimist

Beliefs

Nothing can be worse than having to write about love in your life when you are not in love. At this point, I am really digging for stuffs to write. So I talked to my friend Blaine. Blaine is a Scientist and he was in a six year long relationship with another girl. They broke up one and half years ago. He told me why he had to break up with her and he thought about ending the relationship several times earlier.

Blaine's ex-girlfriend has a hot temper and they worked in the same company. Both parties thought that it was good to be together and they did , because they were doing many things together. Now Blaine tells me that the first thing he looks for are women who are not hot tempered because he was going through hell for six years. She would throw things at him , yell at him, even though she was just pissed off at work. See that is the thing, when men get angry, they are just pissed off. When Women get angry, they are emotional! But i agree with Blaine that this relationship was not going to work because she actually threw things at him.. now that I would not do... think I would love my china too much to do that , LOL. Blaiming someone for your own problems is also not my thing. Therefore, it is a good thing for Blaine to get out of this one at last! Remember my article on stop loss? I guess finally Blaine did reach his stop loss, which was incredibly low. He adjusted it lower each time he thought it was just part of the relationship problems that even good ones go through. Now he knows it was a mistake.

Blaine then told me about his encounter in Switzerland. Blaine is a Canadian, who formerly worked in canada, then he moved to Switzerland before coming to Singapore. Blaine told me that he met this lady because it was so difficult to live in Switzerland if you knew no swiss. This lady was the only one he knew. After the first date, he realised that she was a nice lady but was not intensely emotional about her. Hence, he would send her messages a couple of times, but she contacted him regularly. Blaine never fixed a second date, she did.

I then asked Blaine if this could be a pattern which was practised amongst guys and a litmus test for women to determine whether your first date really likes you enough to want to be more than friends with you. Blaine confided in me that there is a guy's rule not to call shortly after a first date. But if he really liked her and wanted her, he would call and fix up a second date with her shortly after the first date.

So you have it, if your first date were truly interested in you, he would call you up and fix the second date shortly after the first date. An absence of that action will mean that he is not that interested in you. In love, action does speak louder than words. Why is this so important? It is important because women tend to have beliefs about whether their first date is going to end up as true love or merely a fling. Women do not believe in platonic friendships with men. They probably do so only with male friends who are gay or while they are still 'shopping' for their one true love. Once they found the one, their guy friends will just dwindle by the numbers. Just like the lions, female lions cannot communicate with other male lions. Don't you notice that women often hang out with only other women. That is how it is. When a lady is married, she becomes the woman we single women hate, or single man hate, they just stick to their husband and kids.

I can't help but think about my past relationships and know that Blaine is right. Once I was in a relationship, Vince was his name, was so in loved with me after the first date, he would call and he would arrange for another date the next day. We lasted a long time and it was a great relationship. But it had to end because we have incompatible needs. It was definitely beautiful when it lasted. I went out with another who did not show the same pattern and in this case, I would believe that he is not as interested in me as I was in him. Therefore, I am giving up hope of being in love with him. Do that now or get burnt.

Women are hopeful about love, especially after their first date when everything seems to go on so well. Should women after their 30s be more pessimistic than optimistic about relationships? Is hope a drug we should shake ourselves off or a supplement which we should take religiously? Right now, I think I should lose that optimism in love which I always had all my life. Now that is going to be life changing for me and takes some getting used to. I am not a gamblier in a casino who just gambles his life knowing that the house always wins. Why should I be a victim of a player? I may find myself more disappointed and probably disillusioned if I continued to be too optimistic.

Upon reflection, I think the spirit of love in me is something precious and remarkable and I should not let some setback in love kill that, just because he was too blind to see it. Like I told Blaine, I still have my family, friends and cat who love me tremendously and unconditionally. I believe God brings these wonderful people in my life because I am an optimist in Love and because I don't let the cruel ones hurt me. When love does not conquer all, that is when time with God is most important in prayer, to get out of it so that you will still remain your beautiful self and not lose that faith in Love, which God represents.