Good Conversations

Just how much value should you attach to good conversations? Good conversations spark interests to exchange ideas and views without feeling threatened or being judged. It also reduces the self-centred nature in mankind and promotes love and understanding amongst people. But this process takes time and effort. If people were able to spend more time conversing with each other about how they really felt and about the various issues in life, I think the world would be a better place to live in. However, it is important that when conversing with another, that you do not be opinionated or be judgemental.

Lets talk about couples. Ideally, they should spend time conversing with each other as often as they can. It can take as little as five minutes or as long as a dinner date. Women have been guilty of wanting their men to be mind readers. Men, if you do not expect your women to be mind readers, you got to talk to them. Good conversations are not one that involves just talking. It involves the whole package. Body language, eye contact and lots of listening. I sometimes wonder why men find it so hard to engage themselves in good conversations? Wouldn't they want a more understanding partner. Perhaps they were afraid of being judged for what they say (You know how women screen through the things men say and discuss amongst themselves) and therefore fear rejection?

I do not believe in guess work and I rather just put it all out there. At least, if it were painful it won't be draggy. I hate slow and painful deaths. It is also not true that women would dismiss guys for being too frank or quick. In fact, I think women who are mature (usually in their 30s) would have preferred an open relationship without the traps and mind games (we have dealt with enough jerks and emerged as ultimate losers). Been there. In addition, how are women going to accept men for what they are if they are not open to conversations? Women should also not try to change their men once they know what their men are really like (but that does not mean you cannot hope). They can choose to adapt or maturely end it. If you guess you can change your man, think again. One should never change one's qualities and personality to suit the other too. Been there and it was too much hardwork.

Compromise and adaptability are two of my greatests strengths. But it does not mean that you have to change yourself in order for a relationship to work. As a Pisces, I go with the flow. A good relationship should therefore be one that is open to good conversations and both parties adapt and compromise so that they can make it work. Yes, I do believe men can adapt but not change when they realise you are good for them. Good relationships do not happen overnight. It takes lots of effort but it is rewarding. To do that, you must first resolve to do so. Is a good relationship what you really want in life, rather than being alone? Once you have resolved to do so and found it, you would have known the meaning of life. Make sure you don't lose it, you may never get it back.

I know when you eventually find someone who shares your interests and you enjoy conversing with, you will miss that person when he or she is gone. Have you noticed how wives pass away shortly after their beloved husbands, do you need any more testimony? So how much should you attach to good conversations? Alot! It is the foundation of love.

I LOVE YOU

I still dream of hearing these three words from a special someone. Some how these three words tend to elude me. Now that I am in my 30s, it is still eluding me! Women yearn to hear it from the special men in their lives. See this is the point, even if they had someone special in their heart, they aren't hearing it or getting enough of it from their mate. But if the women said it, they probably won't see their men again. It backfires. Being an expressive person, do you know how difficult it is for me to hold back these three words when I mean it and wanted to express it to that special person in my life?

I was surfing the net and I came across a website on dating advice for men. An entire article was dedicated to advising men not to say these three words when they are dating! The reason given was that the lady would think less of the guy because he was too quick to say " I love you". Males and females have probably been engaged in the dating game since ancient times. Now there is a dating 101, is it time for another rules review? Wouldn't it have been easier if both parties were forthright when the feelings are mutual ? Wouldn't it be practical if they were frank where they were not meant for each other, so that they can move on?

Sometimes guys just don't want you to fall for them. In this case, what should you do? Run or live in denial and think that platonic friendships can actually exist? I think the world is tough enough for men not to play hard to get. Same goes for the women. Why introduce more stress (as if the world is not already clouded with it)?

My ideal relationship is one that is expressive and dedicated, and it is simple. One that is frank and open just like the love of a child. It means no harm but just wants to share the beauty of it. But my dreams seem to conflict the guys dating rules 101! The life of a single just got harder as more rules are being introduced daily. Why should we be so cautious and stingy in the application of these three words? Do you have to pay a hefty exercise price? LOL . (Ok, I think the stock option policies are getting to me!) Everyone gets bored hanging out in the cold. Remember, you only have a lifetime to say these three words to people you truly love. Life is short, so be generous with it and make your day a loving day by telling them " I love you."

Partners in a relationship

My dream relationship is one which that touches my heart each time I play it in my mind.

I wrote a little description on my ideal relationship in my homepage. It is one filled with genuine love and sharing. I came from a family where my grandfather and father were the head of the household. I have always respected them because they knew what was best for me. I managed to do well because I followed. I wonder, do our relationships eventually follow our father figures? go figure.

My grandfather is the man I respected most in my life. Noone I know can ever compare to him. He was born in China and he settled down in Malaysia. He arrived in Malaysia from China with nothing. He then mustered his wealth in real estate, bus companies and was a great politician. He succeeded because my grandmother, such a sweet woman, was very supportive. I always admired him for his wit, his charitable attitude and his wisdom. He died when I was twelve and I was devastated by his death. But I know he is still watching over me from above and because of that, I know he still lives within me.

My Grandfather would take me to the aquarium, listen to me sing and talk to me. He would carry me all the time and according to my grandmother, loved me most amongst the grandchildren. I guess I was greatly influenced by my Grandfather in the way I chose to lead my life.

I do believe my picture of an ideal relationship has a lot to do with the kind of life I led when I was with my grandpa. Grandpa would always work throughout the day as he was a workaholic. After work or during lunch, we played and he would talk to me. I would sing. My job was to entertain him when he was stressed. I guess he loved my humor and believe me, I was extremely talkative. Sometimes when my dad played the cassette where he recorded my voice as I was singing as a 'child star', I laughed. I sounded so funny. But grandpa never stopped me from growing at my own pace. This eventually, together with my dad, developed my talent in singing. They discovered my talent and I followed, so now I reap the harvest.

In relationships, I do believe males and females have a different role. The males were always the leaders where they had both parties' interest at heart. My dad and grandpa were logical people and they make the best decisions. They were also what I call survivors. I can always count on them to weather through the bad times.

My role was more of a supportive role and that was the role my mum played too. Dad always look for my mum for wisdom, which is different from logic. I must say they did well together. Now it is my turn to play mum's role. I am able to do so because dad always gathered his friends around me and all these uncles were my only friends whom I learnt from.

When God made man, did he think he could do better and therefore, created women? LOL. Frankly, I don't think so. I have always thought I would be happier as a partner playing a supporting role. He would navigate and all i have to do is steer the wheel. At least the ship will sail and reach its destination! It is not because decision making is an arduous task, but I do think my eventual partner would be one who would have acted in my interests ( that would be a blessing) and I would have preferred my mum's role as a supportive wife and lifetime partner to my dad.

Key to Happiness

I took a day off today from work just to relax. I decided to spend the day doing things I love. It felt really good and refreshing. I spent the morning sleeping as I was trying my best to recover from my cough. Then I played with my cat, went out with my parents who just returned from down under and also read a book I have been wanting to read. I also spent some time doing my own investment analysis.

We spend most of our day time at work. How can we enrich our lives and make it more meaningful? One of the things I would love to do is to return to someone I love and just receive that tight hug and kiss. I am still working on it..:)

I love 'talking' to my cat and touching its fur. It does help me relieve some pressure off my body. I sometimes gaze at my reef tank and watch the corals sway, the fishes play. The blue water calms me.

I love to read and learn new things. I not only read but I do spend my time mastering the different skills I have been trying to explore. It feels good when you succeed. However, the process can be tough and sometimes frustrating for me.

I love to attend parties and social gatherings. When I do so, I love to dress up and simply have fun. I love to dress in black dresses with some silver and sparkling jewel accessories. They contrast well and the sparkling jewels always make me sparkle in dimly lit areas, especially in restaurants and parties.

I love to sing because it helps me relax and express myself through songs. I think it is a wonderful talent that I should always build on. I love it because it is one of the best ways to communicate with children. Music does bring people together and that is what I always seek to do. Bring peace and love to all I interact with.

In life, moderation is the key to happiness. Now I am trying my best to do things I love so that my soul does not grow tired. It is also important that you manage your internal feelings so that others around you do not suffer. In other words, you have to watch out for those internal conflicts you may have. Part of you wants to grumble and complain about your unhappiness and the other part of you wants to feel happy. However, we find ourselves troubleshooting for most parts of our lives unless we actively do things for ourselves in accordance to our wants.

Here is an analogy. In business, we do deal with our external customers as well as internal customers who are also known as our support staff. If the internal customers in a company do not cooperate well or work efficiently, one will not be able to deliver great service to external customers. Hence, if you do not manage your emotional conflicts within yourself, how can you enrich the lives of others? I always believe that no man is an island. Therefore, if you really want to be happy, you should really try enriching the lives of others and you shall benefit from their happiness. This is particularly important for couples.

I wrote a little definition of true love, from my perspective, in my homepage. When I read it again, I could not agree more. The question is how do we enrich the lives of others and remain happy within ourselves? Suddenly I recalled something Zen once told me. "If you can accept what I can offer, I will be priviledged to be your friend."

It occurred to me that maybe that is where the answer lies. When couples disagree and quarrel, it is often the result of conflicting expectations. The wife may have expected the husband to do something and she probably has been waiting for a long while, but the poor husband was probably not in the position to deliver. This problem can be one that is financial, emotional or even physical in nature. When there are conflicts, couples face two options. They weather through understanding and compromise or they can quit which is often the easier option.

I do believe in a relationship, two parties must learn to compromise and be understanding of each others needs. But these needs should always be well communicated. If one cannot fulfill it, it is then important that the other accept what can be offered and try to be more understanding. As long as the problems are not large or are deal breakers, they will still iron out their differences. By reconciling their differences and also manage their internal conficts, they achieve happiness. This way they do not affect their children.

In conclusion, I believe, the key to happiness lies in the ability to manage one's internal conflicts and acceptance of limitations or constraints. This applies to work and relationships; anything you do and everyone you relate with.

Now I am going to head to bed and dream. That tops the list of my favourite things.

When Love is Right

In love, we only have to be right once and we find ourselves with the wrong people 99% of the time. There is no guide regarding matters of love that points us to success in love. Like a child, we can't avoid the pitfalls and heartaches so we have to learn to pick ourselves up and move on.

My relationship with Ian was beautiful but to a certain extent it was painful. I was under alot of pressure to be just like him. He always seemed so perfect and I had to play catching up so that I would always appeal to him. At times, I was really disappointed with my disabilities and I blamed myself for not being able to impress him enough. Sometimes I wondered if it were my inability to impress that led to our eventual breakup? I was also constantly trying to change myself even though it was so not ME! Can you imagine how much hard work that is? On the bright side, he actually made me a better person as I brought out facets of my character that would otherwise have remained latent in me. I was not sure what I was really capable of and he managed to bring out the best in me.

When do you know if love is right? How should one feel if one were truly in a healthy relationship?

As I was jogging on the treadmill in the gym, I could not stop thinking. Was my relationship with Ian the perfect one? If I were given a second chance, would I go back to that relationship? I thought for a while and imagined Ian was with me. I realised that my answer was 'no'. The experience, though beautiful, was too pressurising. I felt it from the moment I met him. I always felt that Ian had expectations of me. But I tried to suppress that feeling and enjoy my time with him while I still could. I was trying to be someone I was not. Pretence is good if you were trying to overcome a weakness. But it is not natural to try and be someone you are not all the time! I constantly reminded myself to be that perfect girl. Now, why should I punish myself and remain unhappy whenever I thought I disappointed him?

Then I thought about the feelings I got around Zen. Why did it feel good? What are the distinctions I can make?

For one, this time I didn't feel any pressure to be perfect. I feel relaxed and I always enjoy the laughter we share in our conversations and text messages.
It always feels comfortable just sharing with him and when I visualise him. I sensed peace around and within me. Now at this point I think Zen describes the way he makes me feel perfectly....LOL.

With Zen, the thought of being someone I am not never crossed my mind because I was not pressured to impress! It is not because I don't like him enough, it is just because I knew there is no need to. I probably have sensed that he didn't harbor any expectations of me. That feeling is great and liberating. It allows me to share freely. Maybe that is why I resumed writing.

Is this what love is all about?

1. You should always be yourself and not feel any pressure to change or to impress the other party.

2. It should make you feel relaxed and happy, not tensed and anxious.

3. It should be fun, not hard work.

4. Both parties should learn to appreciate each other's gifts and not expect the other to change or worse, buck up!

5. The journey or process is meaningful and enjoyable, and not one that is painful to bear.

6. You learn to focus on the goodness and strengths and not be fault finding.

Yes, I do believe I got it. Next time when I am in a relationship, if i can enjoy the process and still remain faithful to my true self, I know he brings out the best in me and that is when I know that the love is right.

My First Love

My first love was Ian Berman. He is an american jewish guy who lives in Los Angeles. Smart, good looking, romantic and an absolute gentleman. We loved each other the moment we met. He thought I was funny, I thought he was ridiculous.

Conversations with him were always intelligent and funny. We never stopped talking to each other. We travelled together and all the trips were always so memorable. He would make me laugh and smile. I was definitely the luckiest and happiest girl whenever I was with him. I still keep a picture of us which we took in LA. It is the picture taken by a director in Hollywood who happened to spot us. Beautiful picture.

We were complete opposites in character, but we complemented each other. Where I was weak, he strengthened me. When he was weak, I saved his ass and did it for him..LOL. Our friends always thought we were a beautiful pair because we communicated so well and since he knew me, he actually opened up more and became more sociable. He was very happy and he told me that his friends envied him because he was spending so much time with me and not with them. Ian was a very devoted boyfriend. Unlike Diana, an ex-girlfriend of Paul's, whose boyfriend Dean was into threesomes. I oftened asked what was she going to give if they got married? a four way?

The reason why I fell in love with Ian was not because he was good looking but because he was inspiring. He simply made me a better person. I was risk averse, he encouraged me to take on more risks. We went about learning new things together and he never took his eyes off me whereever we went. He would hold my hand as if he were guiding me along the way. He encouraged me to learn more about finance, investments and also risk taking. Those were his strengths, definitely not mine as I confided in him.

Due to the distance, we finally broke up. But Ian did it because it was for my own good. I was traumatised at that point and I never fell in love for five years. Till the feeling came back to me when I met Zen. Don't ask me why and how? But it is just a feeling I get. Is that a good sign? Can you figure your path based on relationships in the past? Go figure.

When Ian left, I was extremely desolate. I cried before bed and whenever I learnt the sad songs, they reminded me of him. Fortunately, I didn't let pain get the most of me. I struggled at work. I picked up new skills in finance, investments and taxation. Obtained my Masters. As a result, I am more confident, decisive and I have strengthened myself in areas where I was weak.. MATH! I learnt from the best in the US and my path has definitely changed since I met Ian. Being borned in a risk averse family environment, I believe what Ian did to me is remarkable. My family members have also benefitted from it as I noticed the change in attitude towards investments. Even now, they will ask me for advice. In the past, I knew nothing about financial or investment analysis. Now I am being consulted!

Ian also taught me to be more forward looking and somehow that ability is now imbued in me. I am glad that God pulled me through that difficult point in my life and allowed me to make the best of the future. The reason why I managed to do it was because I made a decision to be better off after the break up. I could continue to remain desolate or I could use that experience as a stepping stone. And yes, I will no longer look back... because it is no longer within my control. What is relevant to me is my future and Love is definitely on the Cards.

All or nothing

Women tend to filter their dates in their search for 'Mr Right'. While screening, they remain happy till they have a problem 'ticking' a box. That is when they realised that their date has a shortcoming. When we were young, we were always told that we could have it all. We could be all that we wanted. In relationships can we ever have it all?

I wish relationships were less complicated and there was a guide for dummies on 'love'. They say life is wonderful and it offers many choices. When we choose one, we instantly eliminate other choices. Our opportunity cost. Can we ever rate our relationships in terms of risk levels? What is the key to a successful relationship?

I started dating since aged 25, believe me , I was long overdue! Since then I dated six men in five years. None of my relationships lasted more than two months. My dream of finding that one true love who would make me genuinely happy is fading away. I am not even sure if it does exist. Was I sill suffering from the disillusions of the twenty somethings? When I look at most couples, I thank God for not settling because I could have been twice divorced!

When I am in love, the first thing I feel is butterflies in my stomach. Then slowly, objectivity creeps in and my instincts will tell me if I am heading the right way or not. When I decide to end a relationship, I do not do it because I am not happy but because I do not want him to change. I must have identified our differences and know that they cannot be reconciled.

In my search for love, I realised that many men are in it for the wrong reasons. Just today, I was watching a local programme entitled Get Real. The topic was on teenage sex. Some of these girls had sex since 12. They did this because they believed that it was a proof of their love and it was the only way to gain a man's love. Now where did the notion that you have to sleep with someone in order to fall in love and ultimately get married evolve from?

These girls soon realised that the boys and men in their thirties were in it just for sex. Some of these girls had abortions and unwanted pregnancies and currently require couselling. Their supposed boyfriends left them for someone else. Teens and girls in their twenty somethings are a very disillusioned bunch. First, noone is indispensable and secondly, the best baby proofing is actually abstinence, not condoms!

Women do play games, just like these teens. They sometimes believe that gun shot pregnancies can make men responsible for them. Speaking of disillusion, that is so not real! If they don't give in to sex with their partners, they get nothing?

Girls and women must understand one thing. That is they can never make a man love them, just by having sex. As Paul told me, one can have sex without being in love. Sex is also not something one should use as a tool to marriage. A relationship built on this foundation is weak. The problem is do we really know when each party is not using Sex against us? Do we know when not to fall into the trap?

Maybe if a guy does not endeavour to get laid before marriage he is patient and he knows the meaning of love. If he does not get laid after marriage he is pitiful. Maybe with premarital sex, women are the only losers in the game and they end up with Nothing. It would seem that sex should be left to after marriage. Only then will you have it all, a wonderful and patient husband who loves you and wonderful sex. Now that is a have-it-all relationship.